Dear Heavenly Father,
I miss our little girl. I don't get to talk to her because Dan is at work when he calls her and our call times are also group times. I have been working hard on forgiving Melissa and you have washed so much anger away from me. I praise you for your mercy and patience as I through this cycle of frustration and forgiveness again and again. You know I will keep trying forever and you have shown me the love that does make this easier. I know that obedience has built in rewards and forgiveness brings peace. Thank you for that. I know that you hold our daughter, Ashlynn, in your arms. I know that she is known and safe and loved. I know that you will bring her to us as is your will in your time. I am struggling to be patient. In a world where moms like Shayna can't carry babies of their own to love and beautiful girls like Jayden and Kim leave us way too soon, I realize that my wishes seem pretty small. I know that Ashlynn is your daughter and that you entrusted us to love her as ours, and to nurture her and help her grow. I have loved that role. I was not ready to give up that full time role, but we did to save her from being pulled apart. Now it seems that our limited role has been cut back even further. Is this your will? Or is this Satan's way of trying to shake my faith? I want to do your will and I am trying to let her go to you. Lord, I am grieving. I am doing my best to respect Dan's decisions, choices and lack of choices as the head of our home. Please help me to be patient and supportive and not nag on him to do things my way. If it is your will for us to spend time with Ashlynn this summer, I beg you to let us know soon. It is so hard to be patient when my heart is breaking, Lord. I am giving Livi and Payton extra hugs and kisses. Payton's been gone so much more than usual this summer too. Thank you for giving Dan and I our beautiful daughter, Livi, who we don't have to share with a third parent. Thank you for EastLake, with the friends and family who support us and the growth groups that keep me going through this time.
Father, Daddy, thank you for the role you have given me as a mother to all of the beautiful children you have shared with me; Payton, Avian, Ashlynn, Saanna and Olivia. Thank you for the four other blessed babies who are with you and I never got a chance to know. Thank you for giving me the qualities to be the mother that they have all needed at the times we were together. My cup overflows with your love and mercy, yet I am not content. I cry and plead for me. I fight, kicking and screaming, when you ask me to fill a different role. Forgive me. Dear Daddy in heaven, forgive me for being so ungrateful. Dear daddy, with your arms around me in my dirty kitchen, forgive me for my selfishness.
You have never let me down. I know that as I fulfill the role you have given me, my rewards will be greater than all of what has been taken away from me. I love you so much.
Thank you for sitting and talking with me today, Dad. Your comfort cradles me as your grace soothes my heart. Thank you for your peace. Please let that peace flow through me today that all I touch may feel it and relax into your safe and loving arms with me.
Talk to ya later, Dad,
Love, Eeka
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