Forgiveness for me

Dear God,

Thank you for being with me when I turned away from you.

I was so lost and lonely. I was going down and dragging my family down with me. I could see that I was hurting them and knew that they would be better off without me. My selfish actions and lack of trust in Dan or you brought us to the cusp of homelessness. Staying in that motel, knowing we had only one night left before we had to go sleep at the shelter with the rats and the roaches. My pride had brought us so low. I couldn't stand the idea that we were going to be truly and completely homeless.

Knowing that Dan worked so hard and I let him down...

Knowing my kids were going to have to sleep in our car or on a dirty mat on a concrete floor and I had brought us to this...

It broke me.

All my years of ignoring you and proving that I didn't need you failed.  I couldn't risk my kids. I didn't know what to do. Logic failed me.

God, I couldn't trust you. How could I trust you? I didn't deserve for you to be there for me after all this time. I could not bear this life but I couldn't put my hope in you. I was too far gone.

But my kids... please save my kids.

You saw me as I hid in a ball under the covers late at night, crying uncontrollably but not wanting to wake the others.

I begged you to save my kids from my stupidity. They had done nothing wrong. They didn't deserve this.

You saw me as I finally gave in to exhaustion and took pity on me. Little did I realize,  this was the opening you had been waiting for.

You held me as I slept and you waited for us to wake up to your plan. Thank you for loving me too much to walk away from me when I walked away from you. Thank you for forgiving my pride and lack of faith.

Help me to remember that amazing forgiveness and compassion. Help me to carry that grace and mercy in my heart for all your children. Help me to feel your love and compassion even for those I want to condemn. Help me to follow your lead.

My kids can't do anything to lose my love. You love me so much further than that. You love ALL of your children beyond what I can imagine. Please help me to forgive even Melissa, as she is my sister in your name.

Thank you for your mercy and compassion.

Love,

Eeka