Forgiveness for me

Dear God,

Thank you for being with me when I turned away from you.

I was so lost and lonely. I was going down and dragging my family down with me. I could see that I was hurting them and knew that they would be better off without me. My selfish actions and lack of trust in Dan or you brought us to the cusp of homelessness. Staying in that motel, knowing we had only one night left before we had to go sleep at the shelter with the rats and the roaches. My pride had brought us so low. I couldn't stand the idea that we were going to be truly and completely homeless.

Knowing that Dan worked so hard and I let him down...

Knowing my kids were going to have to sleep in our car or on a dirty mat on a concrete floor and I had brought us to this...

It broke me.

All my years of ignoring you and proving that I didn't need you failed.  I couldn't risk my kids. I didn't know what to do. Logic failed me.

God, I couldn't trust you. How could I trust you? I didn't deserve for you to be there for me after all this time. I could not bear this life but I couldn't put my hope in you. I was too far gone.

But my kids... please save my kids.

You saw me as I hid in a ball under the covers late at night, crying uncontrollably but not wanting to wake the others.

I begged you to save my kids from my stupidity. They had done nothing wrong. They didn't deserve this.

You saw me as I finally gave in to exhaustion and took pity on me. Little did I realize,  this was the opening you had been waiting for.

You held me as I slept and you waited for us to wake up to your plan. Thank you for loving me too much to walk away from me when I walked away from you. Thank you for forgiving my pride and lack of faith.

Help me to remember that amazing forgiveness and compassion. Help me to carry that grace and mercy in my heart for all your children. Help me to feel your love and compassion even for those I want to condemn. Help me to follow your lead.

My kids can't do anything to lose my love. You love me so much further than that. You love ALL of your children beyond what I can imagine. Please help me to forgive even Melissa, as she is my sister in your name.

Thank you for your mercy and compassion.

Love,

Eeka

Forgiveness and anger

Dear God,

Help me to forgive Melissa. Help me to let go of my anger even though I feel it is justified. It is your place to judge, not mine.

Why am I so angry?

I am angry for all the ways she hurt Ash and Avian with her selfishness.

I am angry that she allowed Derwin to hurt the kids.

I am angry that she let her relationship with a man take precedence over her kids.

I am angry that I can see ways the hurt has impacted Ash even though she doesn't remember.

I am angry that being the every day mom, the only mom, didn't give me the right to keep Ash and Avian when Melissa decided she wanted them back for her own selfish reasons.

I am angry that I had to try to protect the kids from the hurt she was inflicting and she never has had to suffer the consequences of her actions.

I am angry that it's just not fair!

I am angry that if I am honest with Ash, she is hurt and upset with me.

I am angry that we lost Avian.

I am angry that we almost lost Ash.

I am angry that Saanna, Payton and Ash were hurt when Melissa took Avian from us.

I am angry that Payton was hurt when we had to let Ash go.

I am angry that I could not be enough.

I am angry that Ash cried out in her sleep for the mom who left her.

I am still so angry and I have such a hard place in my heart for Melissa. How can I not be angry? My kids still suffer the effects of her disregard.

Lord, please help me let go of this anger and forgive Melissa. Not because I want to, because part of me does not. Help me to forgive her because you want me to. Help me let go of all this hurt and anger, stone by stone. Help me to be a better mother, to all of my kids, by showing them what wounds your love can heal.

Lord, I know this is a tiny, baby step, but I am trying. Please carry me, like you always do. Show me the path.

Thank you. I love you.

Eeka