Forgiveness for me

Dear God,

Thank you for being with me when I turned away from you.

I was so lost and lonely. I was going down and dragging my family down with me. I could see that I was hurting them and knew that they would be better off without me. My selfish actions and lack of trust in Dan or you brought us to the cusp of homelessness. Staying in that motel, knowing we had only one night left before we had to go sleep at the shelter with the rats and the roaches. My pride had brought us so low. I couldn't stand the idea that we were going to be truly and completely homeless.

Knowing that Dan worked so hard and I let him down...

Knowing my kids were going to have to sleep in our car or on a dirty mat on a concrete floor and I had brought us to this...

It broke me.

All my years of ignoring you and proving that I didn't need you failed.  I couldn't risk my kids. I didn't know what to do. Logic failed me.

God, I couldn't trust you. How could I trust you? I didn't deserve for you to be there for me after all this time. I could not bear this life but I couldn't put my hope in you. I was too far gone.

But my kids... please save my kids.

You saw me as I hid in a ball under the covers late at night, crying uncontrollably but not wanting to wake the others.

I begged you to save my kids from my stupidity. They had done nothing wrong. They didn't deserve this.

You saw me as I finally gave in to exhaustion and took pity on me. Little did I realize,  this was the opening you had been waiting for.

You held me as I slept and you waited for us to wake up to your plan. Thank you for loving me too much to walk away from me when I walked away from you. Thank you for forgiving my pride and lack of faith.

Help me to remember that amazing forgiveness and compassion. Help me to carry that grace and mercy in my heart for all your children. Help me to feel your love and compassion even for those I want to condemn. Help me to follow your lead.

My kids can't do anything to lose my love. You love me so much further than that. You love ALL of your children beyond what I can imagine. Please help me to forgive even Melissa, as she is my sister in your name.

Thank you for your mercy and compassion.

Love,

Eeka

Forgiveness and anger

Dear God,

Help me to forgive Melissa. Help me to let go of my anger even though I feel it is justified. It is your place to judge, not mine.

Why am I so angry?

I am angry for all the ways she hurt Ash and Avian with her selfishness.

I am angry that she allowed Derwin to hurt the kids.

I am angry that she let her relationship with a man take precedence over her kids.

I am angry that I can see ways the hurt has impacted Ash even though she doesn't remember.

I am angry that being the every day mom, the only mom, didn't give me the right to keep Ash and Avian when Melissa decided she wanted them back for her own selfish reasons.

I am angry that I had to try to protect the kids from the hurt she was inflicting and she never has had to suffer the consequences of her actions.

I am angry that it's just not fair!

I am angry that if I am honest with Ash, she is hurt and upset with me.

I am angry that we lost Avian.

I am angry that we almost lost Ash.

I am angry that Saanna, Payton and Ash were hurt when Melissa took Avian from us.

I am angry that Payton was hurt when we had to let Ash go.

I am angry that I could not be enough.

I am angry that Ash cried out in her sleep for the mom who left her.

I am still so angry and I have such a hard place in my heart for Melissa. How can I not be angry? My kids still suffer the effects of her disregard.

Lord, please help me let go of this anger and forgive Melissa. Not because I want to, because part of me does not. Help me to forgive her because you want me to. Help me let go of all this hurt and anger, stone by stone. Help me to be a better mother, to all of my kids, by showing them what wounds your love can heal.

Lord, I know this is a tiny, baby step, but I am trying. Please carry me, like you always do. Show me the path.

Thank you. I love you.

Eeka

Connection

Dear Jesus,

 I need help. I don't know how to connect with you. I can go through the motions and do all the things, but at the end of the day, I still don't feel you. I HAVE felt you and I know you have worked miracles in my life.  The fact that I am alive and walking is a testament to you. The fact that I had two healthy babies after losing four, is only through your grace.  But I feel empty. What am I doing wrong? I see people who are just busting at the seams with their love for you. With joy at your presence. Why can't I feel that again? Why is it lost? Livi used to have that connection too, but she doesn't feel it anymore, either. How can I help her find that joy in you, when I can't find you?

 I know you won't let me down, because you never have, but I don't know when you'll come through. I know it's not my place to understand your timing but it leaves me drifting and I don't know what to hang on to.

I keep walking and moving forward and hoping I am doing the right things. I can't see how my life brings you glory.  I understand that to be our purpose, to bring you glory. That will draw others to you and create things bigger than me.

 I know I need to be painting. I feel that pull all the time. Please show me how to fund my painting and where to find the time.  Maybe that is where I would find my connection. I always feel you strongest when I am writing or creating. You made me to create. I guess I learned it from watching you. Now I just need to start taking those steps.

Thank you for this time today. Thank you for calming my fears and soothing my heart.

Show me how to share this prayer with someone who needs it.

Love,

Eeka

Sunday Morning Review 22

Dear God,

Thank You for Friday night.  Thank You for Mary, who suggested it, the family I got to share it with, and all of the friends I got to see when I was there.  Thank You for the love in Deni's heart that makes every visit such a joy.  Thank You for all of the beautiful people you have shown me through EastLake, Lawrence, and even facebook.  I would never have believed that one person could be so rich in friends.

Thank You for bringing us the opportunity to see Ash again.  Thank You for Melissa's honesty.  Forgive me for holding on to my anger and my hurt.  I'm not sure how else to feel towards Melissa and I'm not fully sure that I want to.  And I know that I need to apologize to Dan today.  I have been praying for You to bring Ash back to us and trying to sit back and let Dan take the steps that he feels are right.  But even as I am waiting on the outside, I am not being actively patient on the inside.  I am holding a grudge against Melissa for every minute away from Ash and against Dan for every second his is not taking the steps that I feel are right.  I've been snippy and snarky and rude to him.  Lord, please help me to let go of this pain and anger.  My soul has a white knuckled grip on this and I am not sure how to let go.  I feel like I have the right to be mad and be the victim even though I know it's wrong and hurting both myself and those around me.

Dear God, please change the way I think.  I don't want to think about how this affects our case if we go back to court.  I want my heart to be open and loving but I don't know how.  Forgive me for my lack of faith and tear this hurt and anger from me that I can begin to heal and begin to learn how to quit being a victim.  Give me the peace that can only come from You and let me reflect Your love into this situation and all of my situations.  Thank You for giving me the supportive and loving biological and church family that You have given me to strengthen me during this hard time.

As You guide my thoughts and show me the steps I need to take to grow in Your love, I want to thank You again for the love, support and encouragement You have shown me through EastLake.  As You help me let go of my pain and anger, so that I can quit being a victim and truly triumph over satan, expand Your help and mercy to all of our EastLake family.  So many of us are struggling under the burden of past pain.  We are loathe to let go of it because it is so familiar to us.  It's such a cute little demon that we think we can handle him.  We are afraid that if we let him go, somebody bigger and nastier is going to take his place.  Lord, I pray that You banish those demons for us today.  Cast those old hurts and grudges so far from us that they are beyond our uncanny ability to pull them back.  Lord, fill that void for us.  Lift these sorrows that we may not even know we are holding onto and place a new rosebush in the gardens of our hearts.  Let Your love bloom in those roses and let the thorns keep us from allowing that cute little demon a grip on us again.  As You tear these demons away, give us Your vision to see that this cute little demon has grown up.  Let us see him for the evil that he is and not to fight for him as You cleanse him from our hearts.

Let the healing begin today, Lord.  Change our thoughts that we will learn to abhor those demons and be less likely to let another one in.  Move our hearts towards peace and show us our next steps that will not only bring us closer to You, but show others that they too can be healed by Your mercy.

Amen

Sunday Morning Review 18

Dear heavenly Father,

Thank You for bringing me friends to support me in all the ways I need.  Thank You for Regan's insistence that I take care of myself, Edye's constant support and June's admonishment to not be anxious and to pray, PRAY, PRAY!  Forgive me for my anxiety and fear that I allowed to build up over some silly dental work.  Thank You for staying with me in that dental chair and calming my nerves as the enemy was trying to electrocute me by way of anxiety.  Thank You for being my strength when I cannot stand on my own.

Guide Dan and I as we work through our current financial crisis.  Help us to be faithful to our budget and to You in how we budget and how we work to stick to it.  Help me to stay focused in all of my own budgeting: My time, my talents and my resources.  Help me to gather the knowledge that I need and then to take the next step in putting it, not just to good use, but to Godly use. Help me to truly use all that I have and all that I am, to Your glory.

Help me to see that every decision I make in regards to how I spend money, how and what I eat, how or if I take care of my physical body, how often I pray or read your word, and whether I snap and complain or rejoice and be patient, EVERY SINGLE DECISION, is a choice to obey or disobey.  Every action I take and every thought I follow will either glorify You or aid the enemy.  This is a war that we are waging.  Lord, help me to be a warrior who is all for You and not some wishy-washy double agent.

Commander of all that is good and just, let EastLake be Your army in this constant battle against evil.  Let us take up the armor of Your word to shield us from sin.  Let us make a weapon of Your grace, to shine a light in those shadows where the enemy is strong.  Let our decisions as a church be an example of Your wisdom, not only in who we hire, but in why and how we hire them.  Let Matt's inspiration help us to slay our doubts and to see the ways we are helping the enemy. Help all of us at EastLake to burn for You.  Help us to see that every action is a choice.  Will we glorify You?  Or are we working against You?  Lord, help us to see those choices in how we love our kids, treat our friends, love our enemies and welcome strangers.  Lord, strengthen us in Your grace as we battle public opinion and stereotypes kindled by well-meaning but misguided souls.  Lord, please clearly show us our path that we may not come to the same forks and go astray.

And Lord, as You strengthen and guide us all here at EastLake, help us to carry Your love beyond our Sunday service and our growth groups.  Let our every action be a testament to Your love that all who see us get a little taste.  Let those little appetizers of love draw folks to us as the smell of BBQ brings them to South Park on Friday.  We pray that You'll hold back the storms that we may electrify the air as we worship You.  Help us use this great opportunity to open the invitation to folks we didn't even know to invite.

Let us not lose sight of You in our excitement.  Let those who know us come to know You through us and take those next steps to know You more as they let go and step away from the pain of life alone without You.

Amen

Sunday Morning Review 17

Dear Daddy in Heaven,

Thank You for the joyous week You have given me.  Thank You for bringing new friends to me through EastLake and for strengthening current relationships. let the excitement for worship night spill over so much that people are either putting on galoshes to keep from getting their feet wet or they just gotta go find out what all the excitement is about.

Help me to be an example of Your love in ALL ways.  Not just the easy ways.  Help me to work past what could truly be  food addiction to the truth that only You can bring me comfort.  Help me to find the balance between my pain and my budget.  Lord, I trust in Your power and Your grace that You have a plan to heal this pain and wash all these toxins away.  Please guide me in a way so obvious that even I can't miss the path I need to take.  And Lord, let the world see You through our budget.  I know that there is no security in our budget.  I know that there never will be, no matter how much we cut corners, which jobs Dan or I take or how much extra cash we can bring in.  Show us the ways to reduce our current commitments without adding to our debt snowball, which is already growing so big as it rolls downhill that it's hard to see a way it won't crush us.  Please protect us from our own stupidity.  Protect us from ourselves and our wants and our gimme's  and our desire for instant gratification.

Lord, thank You for Your word today and it's message to me.  Thank You for hearing my prayers even though some days I feel as though I'm closer to the wicked end of the scale than to the righteous.  I know that PCOS means that my body is hoarding fat because it thinks I'm going to starve.  Your grace amazes me this morning as You spoke so directly to me.  Wondrous healer, thank You seems so insufficient, yet I have no better words and You know the weight that You have lifted off of me today through that one thought.  Thank You, my kind and loving Daddy in heaven, for showing me that PCOS is not just in my physical body, but in my head and my heart as well.  As we  move into the second half of the month and the bulk of our food budget is gone again, I want another helping while it's still there to take.  I am resentful of that one bite that Livi wants to try of my food when she already has her own portion.  I may still share, but it is only begrudgingly.  Forgive me that I am reduced to a dog growling over a bone-- and at my own child--when there are a hundred other bones within easy reach.

Lord, You have shared Your generosity with us again this week through Your children. I see how you clothed the lilies and how you have clothed us.  I know that the ravens brought food to Elijah, You sent manna to feed Your people in the desert and You fed hundreds of people with one boy's lunch.  You have proven over and again that You take care of Your people and that You count me among them.  How silly am I to doubt Your love for me and Your protection?

Please help me to see all the aspects of my life where I have PCOS.  In what areas do I not trust Your grace?  Thank You for the reminder that Your grace is truly sufficient and that You will fulfill ALL of my needs in Your love and mercy.

Hugs and kisses, Dad,

Love, Ericka

Ungrateful

Click here to read about the day that inspired this prayer.

Dear God,

I am sorry that I have not been more grateful.  Please forgive me for losing sight of my blessings because of a little bobble in my plans.

I DO miss Ash something fierce.  Thank You for letting me know that she is safe and healthy.  Thank you  for the loving spirit you have given her, and that she calls us when she is excited.  Thank You for Melissa and Dee who love her and for all that they are doing for her this summer, even if their motives are not pure.  Thank You for taking those things that were intended to harm Dan and I and for turning them to the good for Ash.

I was really hoping to get at least an interview for that EastLake job.  I was so excited for the possibility of that opportunity.  Thank You for moving me to apply and grow.  Forgive me for losing sight of Your goals over my wants.  Forgive me for not trusting in Your perfect plan for me.  Please help me to see my next steps on the path You have laid out for me.

Thank You for the blessing of holiday pay that allowed us to go to McDonald's for dollar menu and ice cream.  Forgive me for placing so much importance on unhealthy food choices that it could make me cry, when I should have asked for Your comfort.  Please help me to move past this issue I have with food.  Help me to discover if this is an addiction, and if so, what do I need to do to free myself of it.  Thank You for the wonderfully loving and supportive family You have surrounded me with at EastLake.

Lord, help me to see my blessings first and foremost.  Getting caught up in the negatives is not in Your plan.  I know that when those thoughts creep in, I am tuned in to the wrong station.

Help me to focus on tasks that I need to accomplish so that I can avoid distractions and irrational fears. Guide me through challenging phone calls and tasks so that I can get them done and out of the way.  Help me be motivated to get those kinds of jobs finished so that I can enjoy my family time without guilt.

Amen