I am confused.
I know that as the mighty creator, you have designed things that I will never see. You have put plans into motion that I will never comprehend. This must be one of those plans.
I know that you care for us and that you still work miracles. You are not dead to us. You have not abandoned us. I have seen your love and compassion for me in the past week. I have seen that in your amazing mercies, you could use one as broken as I am to help light the path for someone else.
I have seen answered prayers in this past week. I have seen you move in people around me and in me. I am listening closely to hear your still small voice and I have asked for your wisdom to guide me in the path that you want me to take. Being the only true healer, you have allowed me to walk again. There are even short periods when I can walk with no pain. This is a miracle that I was afraid to even hope for, yet you blessed me.
But my most fervent prayers, my most heartfelt and humble pleas, my prayers of healing, love and protection for my sister and her unborn child, prayers that were offered up not just by me, but by my church family, my biological family and friends of our family, in hundreds of voices and different ways, you would not answer.
I know that you love her, and I believe that you who love perfectly, feel her pain more acutely than I do. I believe that you must have a plan for her that is far greater than this child would have been for her for you to allow her to suffer from such terrible pain.
I know that she and her husband are both hurt and lost. I know that he is angry and she is near to breaking. I need your wisdom and your guidance, as do their other friends and family, to help them in this darkness. I want to believe that somehow you can use this pain to lift them even higher than they would have asked. But I don't know your plan and wouldn't understand it if you were to show it to me.
I have been where she is God, and you know I know her pain. You know that I am reliving my own losses as my heart is breaking for her and her husband. I would pray that you lift this pain from my heart and heal it once and for all. I pray that you will bring my sister and her husband closer to you and to each other as you heal the pain of this ordeal.
But in my little faith, my weak and pathetic faith, I question and I doubt. I am trying to understand the point of asking. I have never been good at asking for help, from you or from others. If it was in your plan that I have a bed, wouldn't you still have sent it to me if I had not asked, just as you could not answer the many prayers lifted up to you for my sister's baby because you have other plans in store for her.
Your love and your mercies astound me, Lord. Your patience with me has no end. But my heart is breaking and my mind is befuddled. I know this confusion is a tool of satan's. I feel like I have the script of the wrong play and I don't know my lines. I don't see a path and his thorny hedges are hemming me in. God, I beg you to clear a path for me. Show me a way, even if it is not easy. Let me feel your arms around me as you carry us through this. I don't understand my part. I don't know my role. I don't know how to keep praying with the expectation that you will answer, when you aren't always going to because you have other designs.
I feel so lost. I know that once you bring me through this, I will better understand and I will be stronger. I know that you will use my new understanding to share your wisdom with others who have these same questions.
Please lend me your peace and your patience as I wait upon your wisdom and understanding.
In Jesus' name, I humbly implore you,
Amen
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